The following is a my translation of a transcript of a press conference (g) held by Green Party co-chair Katrin Göring-Eckhardt (GE) today in Berlin.
GE: Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce the German Green Party’s new plan for integrating refugees. We have decided to call it the 10-10-10 plan. It’s as simple as you could imagine. Every German between the ages of 10 and 110 will sacrifice 10% of their annual income and volunteer 10 hours a week to integrate refugees. That way we will be able to integrate 10 million refugees in 10 years!
This is the kind of bold and innovative thinking we need to overcome our horrible past and serve as a beacon of humanity to the rest of the world. Further details are in the press release and position paper.
I’ll take your questions now.
Russia Today: Are you insane?
FAZ: Were you by any chance at that conference where all those German homeopaths overdosed on a powerful hallucinogen and were found staggering around screaming?
GE: Yes, but I’m stable now. And I achieved some profound insights into our shared humanity.
New York Times: Is this some kind of elaborate social media prank?
Le Monde: When you say ‘all Germans’, does that include prisoners, drug addicts, and the insane?
GE: Of course! What better way for a chronic schizophrenic or child-murderer to re-integrate into society than by helping others integrate?
N-TV: What if people don’t cooperate?
GE: Of course they will. Humans are all profoundly generous by nature, which is why every day, billions of them invite complete strangers into their homes to stay as permanent guests.
N-TV: Follow-up – then why aren’t Germans doing that already?
GE: Because they needed courageous and deeply humane political leaders like me to give them the idea.
DIE WELT: Are you being paid by the CSU to say these things?
taz: There are currently 26 million people who say they want to relocate to Germany. How can you sleep at night knowing your plan relegates 16 million humans to the inhuman torture of living in countries other than Germany, you crypto-fascist sell-out?
GE: Frauke, that language is completely unnecessary. We’re not crazy dreamers, we realize there are unavoidable real-world limits on Germany’s ability to save humanity. Therefore we are strictly limiting the first 10-year phase of the plan to 10 million people. In the next phase, we’ll bring in the remaining 16 million.
Der Spiegel: Are you sure you’re not insane?
GE: Well, smarty-pants, let’s put it this way. If you think it’s insane to want to invite every single beautiful innocent little child with big brown saucer-shaped eyes everywhere in the world into Germany to share in our prosperity, then yes, I’m insane.
Times of London: How much will this plan cost?
GE: Typical Anglo-Saxon question! Tell me, when you look into the beautiful eyes of those innocent children, do you see pound signs?
Times of London: You didn’t answer my question.
GE: We managed to come up with billions to save the banks. Surely we have a few trillion Euros laying around here and there that we can use to save those beautiful, precious innocent children.
Washington Post: Have you suffered a recent head injury?
GE: No. No more questions! This press conference is over!